Teachers with superpowers

My son’s English teacher is taking leave for 3 weeks. Which means the school is looking for a substitute. And I have struck horror in my son’s heart by telling him that I have taken on the job.(cue wicked witch laugh right here)…
Its been 9 years since I was an English teacher. I quit when number 3 was born. A small matter of a 2 pound premature baby that needed a fulltime mother. Nine years is a looooong time. But I wasn’t worried. Heck, what could be hard about teaching 30 fifteen year olds about the wonders of literature? And then my daughter comes home with tales of her day. HER teacher was away and they had a substitute. My daughter’s voice is filled with awe and wonder. “Mum, guess what she did! The class was being noisy and so she told us that the next person who was disruptive would have to do 50 pushups. And then she got down on the floor and DEMONSTRATED how to do them!” Okay. So the woman can do pushups, big deal. But my daughter wasnt finished with her story. “And then she did pushups with one hand behind her back! It was amazing!” Okay. Im visualizing it. BUt theres more. “And then, she did pushups on only two fingers! I didnt know people could do that! And mum, she told us she’s 48 years old! Wow!”
Okay. Great. There is a super powered being disguised as a 48yr old substitute teacher at my kid’s school. And tomorrow, she will probably jump over the canteen in a single bound and shoot death rays out of her eyes. And where does that leave me? I can only do a pushup on my knees. And walking up the stairs to RLS classrooms makes me dizzy.It is clear, that the bar for being a decent substitute teacher has been raised substantially since I was last in the classroom.Just great. How can i possibly compete with that?! Somehow, I dont think that students will be very impressed that I can – make french toast, stir oatmeal, set the table, change a baby’s diaper, put on a load of laundry, yell at the teenager for the hundredth time to get his lazy butt out of bed AND smile lovingly at my spouse when he gets back from his morning run….ALL AT THE SAME TIME. (and still remember to wash my hands in between each activity.) I am impressed with my own self just typing it all down but I don’t think a roomful of 15 yr olds will be at all blown away by this useful skill.

I hate substitute teachers with superpowers.

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2 comments

  1. What my crazy ass teacher had was not super powers but a talent for random acts of extreme violence on students whom he perceived disrespected him. I can still hear the 'whooshing' sound that PVC pipe he carried makes as its cuts through the air to smash a light bulb over our heads. And the agonising wait for that searing hot pain from when the pipe whacks your bum at high velocity, as he stands behind you with 2 hands raised above his head gripping his weapon of choice, like some sword wielding maniac Samurai. Curse you Tinetali and you also sucked as a Math’s teacher.

  2. Wow you have taken me back back back back in the day…The man was insane. Completely. The day he smashed lightbulbs was slightly terifying. Good to see we have both survived the trauma. Who let the man into a classroom anyway?!Kids today have no idea how lucky they are

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