LIAR, LIAR

Lies I have told my children. That I am going to hell for.

Lie – “I loved your performance! You were one of the best dancers in the whole group! I’ve never seen such a beautiful Samoan siva before.”
Truth – I got to the Culture Day show late. Too late to catch any of your dance at all. I only saw you walking off the stage with your big brown eyes searching through the crowd of parents to see if I loved your dance. Why was I late? Because i was having a fat day and couldnt find anything to wear. That didnt make me look hideous.

Lie – “Me and your dad are just going out to buy a few groceries. We’ll be back soon.”
Truth – We went to McDonalds. For breakfast. Without you. And I didnt even feel bad. Even when i saw other parents having breakfast WITH their children.I had a Big Breakfast and hot cakes and a hot chocolate. And then a Diet Coke with lots of ice. And i tried to buy some fries but it wasnt 10:30 yet.

Lie – “I bet the tooth fairy loves collecting your teeth because they’re so clean and healthy and shiny. Why, your beautiful tooth is probably the talk of Tooth Fairy Town right now!”
Truth – I took your tooth, opened the back door and threw it outside into the bushes. As far as possible.

Lie – “I have always loved you and I will love you forever.”
Truth – I didnt love you when you were growing in my uterus for the first five months and I was puking my guts out everyday. I called you an alien life force. A parasite. A lifesucking leech. I called you bad words and sent you hateful thoughts. However, it is true that i will love you forever though. And I will love you even more if you let me sleep in tomorrow morning.

Lie – “People who drink alcohol get drunk and fall all over the place and look stupid and do stupid things. And then if they’re still alive the next day, they have awful headaches and throw up for hours and are totally miserable. People who drink alcohol are totally unhappy and total losers.”
Truth – Lots of times, people who drink alcohol are the ones who are the most fun to hang out with at a party. And usually, when you drink you get a buzzy happy feeling.For the few first few anyway. And if you’re the only one NOT drinking, you will feel left out. And not as fun.

Lie – “Your puppy ran away. He’s probably having lots of fun with all his puppy friends down the road.”
Truth – I ran your puppy over ACCIDENTALLY. And I’m really sorry. And now I’m having nightmares about being a dog-killer.

Lie – “I love every minute of being your mother. Nothing makes me happier.”
Truth – I love being your mother. But not every minute. Sometimes you really get on my nerves. And sometimes, when I’m alone in the car, I blast the stereo real loud. And imagine what it would be like to be childless, driving a sweet car that didnt have assorted kids debris in it. On my way from a yoga class to a divine lunch with friends (who would also be unencumbered with children) And then on to work in a glistening office that reeked of success and excitement. Followed by dinner at a five star restaurant. (Because of course, no children equals LOTS of money to spend on ones self.) And then on to a late night of dancing, dancing, dancing. Because i wouldnt have to get up early the next day to get children ready for school. Cue dreamy look in eyes here..

Lies. Am I the only one telling them to my children? What lies do YOU tell?

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