WarriorMum vs. Wild.

Man VS Wild. Why are we watching this show? The man is a derwit. Tonight he’s running around some desert wilderness. He’s got diaorrhea from eating old bugs. And now he’s excitedly showing us some special plant with leaves that are a great replacement for toilet paper. (Umm..come to Samoa, just about every plant has leaves suitable for that purpose. Not that I speak from experience…just saying. Do white people really need a person to SHOW them what plant they can use to wipe their bum?!) He just cooked a lizard and ate it, “Thats really tough. Just like eating old shoes.” How does he know that? Did I miss the episode where he ate his old shoes?

And how can anyone take this show seroiusly when we all know there’s a fudging camera crew following his every move? I mean, come on, he keeps repeating…”If I dont find water soon, I could fall into a coma and DIE. A slow death from dehydration.” HELLO! I BET THE CAMERA AND LIGHTING CREW HAVE SOME EVIAN. OR DIET COKE. Besides, theres no way they’d let wildman stay in a coma for very long. No. They’d rustle up some scorpions to crawl on him and wake him up. The show must go on! The show must go on! And how do we know that the water he siphoned from camel dung wasnt really Diet Coke carefully placed there ahead of time by the stunt team? No, I am too clever to be fooled by this man in the wild. Because I was raised on Macgyver, Oprah and Martha Stewart – and so I KNOW everything about making it through the wildernesses of life. This derwit stumbles along through salt pans, ice lakes, crocodile infested swamps, mosquito ridden bogs and is supposed to be a shining example of survival skills. NOT. I live in Auckland. In the 21st century. Aint no crocs, bogs or saltpans around here.

I think a far more USEFUL show would be: WARRIORMUM VS.WILD. I want to see some survivor type mother try to cope with terrifying dilemmas like –

*You’ve got one egg, some moldy cheese, a couple of rotten bananas and two pieces of stale bread. AND five kids whining “We’re hungry. What can we eat?” Note, WarriorMum is not allowed to whack anyone with a wooden spoon or snarl ‘Go outside and eat grass. Its green and that means its good for you.’ She is allowed to stare menacingly at the camera and announce dramatically,’If I dont find food for these animals soon, they could collapse into a coma and die. Or turn on each other. The situation is critical.’

*Son 1 has a basketball game at 4pm. Son2 starts league training at 4.30pm. Daughter1 doesnt want to budge from computer where shes doing highly impt and classified internet homework research. Daughter2 wont finish ballet until 4.45. Daughter3 is having fullblown tantrum and refusing to get in car. How can any one mum face this dilemma and win? Is it possible to make everyone happy in this wilderness? ‘This is a deadly situation I find myself in – one false move and I could descend into a pit of chaos and confusion from which there is no escape.’

Yes there are any number of desperate situations that WarriorMum vs Wild could take on. Ranging from First Aid emergencies to sullen teenagers who hate you to nights when you suddenly realize you’ve run out of diapers. and all the stores are shut. (And robbing one is not really an option.) I would definitely watch a show like that.

But ‘Man vs. Wild’? Nah. We certainly dont need Wildman telling us what leaves to use. Because when we run out of toilet paper during the Apocalypse – there’s always crappy drafts of my novel lying around that people can use. Just an example of the kind of sacrifice a TRUE warriormum is willing to make for her family!

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