So today I was stupid and wore shoes like this to the mall.
I traipsed around after my two teenagers while they spent their birthday money. Do you know how incredibly tiring / boring / painful it is to go shopping with people WHEN YOU’RE NOT THE ONE BUYING ANYTHING? I never noticed it before. I used to spend the whole day in the mall.I could shop forever – like the Energizer bunny with a Gold card. And still have energy to try on all my purchases ten different ways when i got home. But today was different. Twenty minutes into the first clothes store and my feet started to ache. Waiting for Sade to try on one, then two, then three different pairs of black pants and my feet started to feel like I was shoving them into rusty eleni cans. Offering my wise opinion on her every clothing item and my face was frozen into a concrete smile. Yes you look great. No you dont look fat in that. Yes that color suits you. Ohmigosh could you please have mercy on me and just hurry the hell up?!
Then it was time for her to buy a pair of shoes for church. By then I was hobbling. Hanging onto railings for support. Leaning on my child like I was 80plus years old and forgot my walker at home. Imaginary blood was seeping out of my stupid shoes as my feet slowly gave up their fragile grip on life. They were delirious now and imagining they were reclining on the sandy shores of Lalomanu beach. Like this.
In the shoestore I collapsed on a chair. And waited. And while I waited, my eye was caught by some ballet type flat slippers. Like this.
Normally I wouldnt be caught dead even considering such shoes. But it was a dire emergency. I took off my torture boots, slipped on some slippers and was instantly transported to a heavenly dimension. I was floating on cotton candy clouds of comfort. And marvelling in marshmallow mists of luxury. I had to buy them. Of course. My feet were grateful. I was amazed. I looked at all those other women in the mall who wear sensible flat shoes and now I know what they feel like! I thought everybody endured stupid amounts of pain and suffering whenever they put shoes on. I guess i was wrong. Sensible flat shoes. What a revolutionary concept.
The damage to my feet had already been done though. So now I am sitting at home with my feet up. Ouch. Covered in bandaids and contemplating what I learned today.
1. Shopping is no fun when you’ve got buckets of children. Single, childless people dont know how good they’ve got it. I used to get that buzzy high whenever I had spent my day shopping. A Kahlua’n’Coke kind of exhilirating high. (Minus the Kahlua.)Now, I’m just exhausted. Every piece of me aches.
2. Women who wear stupid shoes to the mall and look happy, are not human. They are androids with feet of robotic steel.
3. I will never realise my dream of being a supermodel like Heidi. Or being best gal-pals with Posh Spice. Because THEY can wear stupid shoes AND shop for their children AND make it look so effortless and painfree.