A friend for our mother. Because then she won’t have so much time to spend obsessing about US and OUR friends. You must –
*Prefer communicating via Twitter, email and text. Too much human-to-human interaction makes our mum tired. Induces feelings of suffocation and paranoid cage-fighter behaviour. Plan on hanging out in person, oh..maybe twice a month? Oh, and she hates smiling when she doesnt want to. Fake smiling is a real strain for her.
*Be available to go to chick flick movies at odd hours of the day or night. Be willing to engage in deeply meaningful debates about who would make a better personal masseuse – Ryan Reynolds, SBW, or Thor.
*Love reading Twilight. A hundred different ways.
*Think that hanging out in bookstores/libraries is the perfect way to spend an hour or two.
*Think that House is hot. Desperate Housewives is a fascinating insight into the psyche of every woman. Cry in every episode of Grey’s Anatomy ( when you’re not studying McSteamy’s half-clothed self). Be sad that Brothers and Sisters was cancelled. Refuse to watch anything vaguely connected to Two and a Half Men (stupid rubbish. Are there no STANDARDS on television anymore?!)
*HATE all forms of social greeting that involve physical contact. Don’t hug her, social kiss her, pat her, touch her or breathe her air. She hates that. And people who do too much of that never make a good impression on her.
*Drink Diet Coke. Irresponsibly.
*Be able to make fun of everything and everyone. Have a twisted sense of humor, verging on sacriligous. Enough so that “Hi, I’m a Satan worshipper” is a very real tactic that you would consider using when you meet people at church whose excessive righteousness irritates you.
*Be willing to engage in mad-mother conversations where she can complain about us vehemently – and then come home a much nicer mother.
*Talk frequently about diets and exercise programs, running goals and fitness regimes. While sampling your latest chocchip cookie recipe.
*Be available to chuck sanity out the window and run in 100k relays. Just because it ‘sounds like a fun way to get away from the kids for 14 hours straight.’
*Never try to make her go to the beach/wilderness/forest/anywhere in the great outdoors. Never badger her to go camping. Swimming. Hiking.
*Not be an overly sensitive, politically correct person. You must be willing to participate when she dogs on her brown relatives, white relatives, and all the other color relatives. Don’t get offended when she tells you she’s a mongrel.
*Oh and it would help if you could frequently remind her how amazingly lucky she is to have such fabulous children….
(This has been an unauthorized blogpost from Lani’s five children. Our mother is a social recluse and she likes it that way. But that means she has far too much energy left to get on our case and blog about us. If you think this personal ad fits you perfectly, then please send us your application WITH a batch of your very best baking effort. Hint: we really like brownies and chocolate pie.)