To Be Beautiful requires much Pain.

This is me. Painfully, beautifully me. No lie. I walk around with this exact expression all day. That’s me. Don’t be jealous. Get threaded and you too can look just like this.

So my little sister stopped thru on a visit from the Cook Islands where all the beautiful people live and wear beautifully revealing clothing. She looked at me in my baggy sweatpants, 20yr old sweatshirt, a beanie over unbrushed hair, socks with jandals and gave me a gentle reprimand. “You know, you really need to take better care of yourself, take some pride in your appearance. Don’t let yourself go, just because you’re a hermit and do nothing but eat write.” (Can you see why me and my little sister are constantly unfriending each other on Facebook? These #*&@^% flower beautiful people from the Cook Islands.)

But as I looked at myself in the mirror, I was willing to concede that yes, maybe she had a point. So I decided to start with my face. (Since I cant buy new clothes until I win the lottery AND lose 20 pounds. And we all know which of those two options is more likely to happen first.) I took myself to the beauty salon and asked the beautician to wax my eyebrows. She was a lovely petite Pakistani lady called Lakshi, who didnt look anywhere near strong enough to be pulling hair out by its roots.

Lakshi looked at my face. In horror. “Oh, my dear, so much hair-ness, so much everywhere. I vill do some waxing and then I vill do some threading. Sooo much better for your skin.”

Without waiting for a reply, she attacked my face with hot wax. Rip, rip and my eyelids, cheeks, and upper lip were hair free. Or so I thought. “Thank you.”

“No, no ve are not done. So much hair ness, it’s so ugly. I must now thread it. Vaxing cannot remove all the hair.”

I tried to ignore the constant references to my Neanderthal hairiness (and ugliness.) I had never been threaded before. “Does it hurt?”

She said no.

She was a big fat liar. She started using this thread wire thing to rip out swathes of skin, nerve tissue and hair. All I can say, is that threading is like someone taking a razorblade and scraping your skin off. In a very methodical, precise, Silence of the Lambs kind of way.

I flinched, yelped. “Yeeow!” She didnt stop.She was a woman on a mission with a slightly demented look on her face.

“Be still. To be beautiful requires much pain. Be still! You must be strong.”Again she shook her head, muttering under breath. “Oh, so much hair-ness, I can’t belief it!”

And so the agony continued. I was contorting all different ways with my face squinched up, trying to find the bestest way to “be strong”. I’m ashamed to tell you that there were tears. And lots of vehement curse flower words. But the sadist lovely Lakshi didnt stop. “Be still! Don’t move! Focus on the beautiful you that will very soon appear!”

Then with one last vicious razor move, she announced. “Finished!”

A whimpering, blubbering mess I got up and looked in the mirror. “See?” she said triumphantly,”Look at how smooth your face is!” It was difficult for me to tell, since I was still shaking and sniffling.Then she pointed to a nasty pile of hair stuff. “I neva see so much hair-ness. Oh, so bad, so ugly.” And then she smiled proudly at me, “Now, you are beautiful! Your lucky husband, he will not recognize you! Oh, you will be in trouble tonight.” *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Ooh lucky me. My face feels like a piece of sandpapered steak and now I have to worry about *wink wink nudge nudge* the amorous attentions of the Hot Man. Yay me.

Yes, so today I got threaded. And I want you all to know that I am now the most hair-ness woman that you will never meet.

And according to a (slightly psychotic) West Auckland beautician named Lakshi, I am now beautiful.

But to be honest, I dont know if I’ve got what it takes to sashay with the beautiful people. Because Lakshi says that I have to be threaded every two weeks. And I really don’t know if I can handle this agony every fortnight.

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11 comments

  1. After I stopped laughing at this post, (Sorry Lani, I know you're in pain but it's just hilarious) I came up with only one conclusion. It is so not worth all the pain and heartache to be beautiful. Not if you have any semblance of a normal life as well. Movie stars have the money and the time to look after themselves every day and yet the paparazzi still manage to get pictures of them looking like roadkill. What hope do the rest of us have? It all seems like a bit of a waste as well. What with the constant plucking and smoothing and blow drying and bleaching. Don't they know we have a busy schedule eating and reading? Time is a cruel mistress who will soon enough take what beauty we have been bestowed from us. Better to spend the time in front of the couch!

  2. There is a fabulous song sung by a blues artist whose name escapes me right now … it's called "you don't have to shave your legs for me". I have taken it as my mantra. I can highly recommend it. It is not the unhairiness of our faces and legs that makes us wonderful women. ….xxx

  3. HAHAHAHA! omg I had a similar experience! (although, not nearly as exciting as yours). I do my eyebrows, say, once every three months or so…. and they grow like crazy.I love your beautician's P.C-ness… Zero tact I see.

  4. LMAO!!! The damage those little ladies can do with a piece of thread…my goodness!! I myself had a similar first-time encounter with the Facial Hair Busters a while back (also upon recommendation from a younger and more well-groomed version of my parents' DNA). And after the whole gruelling experience with the eyebrows, she looked a bit lower and said "Ok, now I do the moustache, yes?" *#&@*^%#!!!!

  5. OMG! I have never laughed so much in my life!!! Sleepless, I am so sorry that your pain has given me a good laugh tonight. Well, it's more your description of your de-hairness that was funny to be exact. I'm laughing because your beautician sounds like the sister of the threader in our area, so I feel your pain (literally, every 8 weeks). Love reading your blog and thanks for reminding me to have my overgrown hedges threaded asap.

  6. threading?? the word itself sounds PAINFUL…they do threading at the mall here..FOR FREE..I guess they're trying to promote it??? seriously though, the sight of someone getting threaded gives me the chills…I salute you for being so brave…and lol @ hair-ness Lakshi..those beauticians are hillarious..

  7. Hahaha yep noone ever said being beautiful was easy. Unless you're Mrs Brad Pitt 🙂 I went with a friend to get her eyebrows waxed at some spa place in Fiji once – I tried out the threading out of curiosity. It didn't hurt very much though, and believe me, I probably have more hair-ness than you do. And I came out looking like RuPaul the drag queen. I think you need to check the validity of Lakshi's license haha. And so…did the Hot Man appreciate your new look?

  8. thank you for sharing your experience!. i now know that i will NEVER get my eyebrows threaded!. if its that painful!. no freaking way!. i guess i'll stick with the natural hairy look instead. LOL

  9. Thank you ladies for commiserating with me on my threading experience. I feel quite 'international' and 'supermodel-ish' now…since Im a certified threaded woman, worthy of mingling with the likes of the smooth and beautiful of this world. I am threaded woman, hear me roar.Oh and CocoGirl, the lovely Lakshi was wrong. The Hot Man didnt even notice i was a new and improved woman. I had to point it out to him. And all he did was shake his head in bemusement, as he so often does with me and my escapades – and say, 'I dont know why you wanted to do that threading thing…you look the same to me." So no *nudge nudge, wink wink* for him.

  10. smacks my cheeks with my hands, squeezes, eyes wide.. oh no, he did not say that!?I am so very glad you went. I had the best laughgasm of my life! Just know, that your painful sacrifice has added every reader of this, years to their life just from the generation of endorphins alone…winks*You are loved and beautifulA word to HM.. We take you to Lakshi, she make you super HM weg*(wicked evil grin)~Isa

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