The true hero of Harry Potter?
I know that I’m going to face off against Voldemort and he’s going to kill me. I also know that once again, you are going to end up being the one who saves the day and everyone and their dog is going to be in your cheerleading squad. Knowing this, I write these final words to you and hope that your eyes (and the eyes of a billion readers) will be opened as to who the real hero of this seven book series really is.
So Harry, it like totally sucks that I’ve been in love with your mum Lily from day one and yet she picked your jock jerk of a dad over me to fall in love with forever. The only reason I ever joined the DeathEaters gang was because I wanted to be one of the cool guys and hopefully get a chance to impress Lily with my bad-ass-ness. If that jerk husband of hers hadnt bullied me mercilessly at school then maybe I could have been a happy well-adjusted adult. Things didnt quite turn out the way I’d hoped though because my evil boss had to go and kill the love of my life which kinda put me in the guilt trip box for eternity. Unrequited love + murder guilt = neverending story of payback.
So I would have just skulked around in dark corridors of Hogwarts feeling sorry for myself, wasting my Half-Blood Prince talents teaching grotty little brats the mysteries of Potions and happily pining over my thready memories of hanging out with Lily in tree stumps – but then YOU had to show up. Of all the magic schools in the wizarding world, you had to walk into mine. Why couldnt you just stay in your cupboard under the stairs? You were the total spit image of your bullying jackass father and I was sorely tempted to slip hemlock into your Butterbeer. But no, I had to exorcise those guilt love demons and look out for you all these years. In the name of love for Lily, I lied for you. Protected you. Plotted for you. While you mocked my brooding demeanour, stole my brilliant potions cookbook, cheated your way through my class, defamed me left right and center, and then obsessed over killing me.
I had to watch while you scored the hot chicks, brainwashed house elves into worshiping you, ruled the Quidditch skies, talked to snakes everywhere,and took my spot as Dumbledore’s favorite. You even upstaged that brooding heartthrob Robert Pattinson and then allowed him to get zapped by Voldemort. But did the world hate you for it? NO. Millions of women thanked you for freeing him up to play Edward Cullen.
You were immature and childish, your magical skills were abysmal and if that freakishly clever Hermione hadn’t latched on to you you would have died in Bk One. While we’re on the topic of the freakishly clever girl, Harry, you are REALLY dumb because you decided to fall in love with weasly Ginny instead of the most powerful and captivating female character in the series. But then, Hermione was pretty dumb in love too and picked the goofball Ron, instead of Viktor Krum – the only male character that JK Rowling invested with raw sex appeal. (Once again, more examples of women who choose mates that are completely beneath them. Like Lily did.) *More tearful thready memories ensue.*
I hope that you (and the world) will never forget that it was ME who personally ensured the success of Dumbledore’s farfetched plans to defeat Voldemort. It was ME who willingly helped to knock off Dumbledore even though I knew everybody would hate me for it. It was me who continually risked my life to bring down Voldemort and finally, it was ME who got killed – all so that you could live. In fact, if you look at all the evidence? The whole series should have been named after ME.
Sincerely and bitterly yours,