Why I’m Really Mad at Harry Potter

The true hero of Harry Potter?

Dear Harry,

I know that I’m going to face off against Voldemort and he’s going to kill me. I also know that once again, you are going to end up being the one who saves the day and everyone and their dog is going to be in your cheerleading squad. Knowing this, I write these final words to you and hope that your eyes (and the eyes of a billion readers) will be opened as to who the real hero of this seven book series really is.

So Harry, it like totally sucks that I’ve been in love with your mum Lily from day one and yet she picked your jock jerk of a dad over me to fall in love with forever. The only reason I ever joined the DeathEaters gang was because I wanted to be one of the cool guys and hopefully get a chance to impress Lily with my bad-ass-ness. If that jerk husband of hers hadnt bullied me mercilessly at school then maybe I could have been a happy well-adjusted adult. Things didnt quite turn out the way I’d hoped though because my evil boss had to go and kill the love of my life which kinda put me in the guilt trip box for eternity. Unrequited love + murder guilt = neverending story of payback.

So I would have just skulked around in dark corridors of Hogwarts feeling sorry for myself, wasting my Half-Blood Prince talents teaching grotty little brats the mysteries of Potions and happily pining over my thready memories of hanging out with Lily in tree stumps – but then YOU had to show up. Of all the magic schools in the wizarding world, you had to walk into mine. Why couldnt you just stay in your cupboard under the stairs? You were the total spit image of your bullying jackass father and I was sorely tempted to slip hemlock into your Butterbeer. But no, I had to exorcise those guilt love demons and look out for you all these years. In the name of love for Lily, I lied for you. Protected you. Plotted for you. While you mocked my brooding demeanour, stole my brilliant potions cookbook, cheated your way through my class, defamed me left right and center, and then obsessed over killing me.

I had to watch while you scored the hot chicks, brainwashed house elves into worshiping you, ruled the Quidditch skies, talked to snakes everywhere,and took my spot as Dumbledore’s favorite. You even upstaged that brooding heartthrob Robert Pattinson and then allowed him to get zapped by Voldemort. But did the world hate you for it? NO. Millions of women thanked you for freeing him up to play Edward Cullen.

You were immature and childish, your magical skills were abysmal and if that freakishly clever Hermione hadn’t latched on to you you would have died in Bk One. While we’re on the topic of the freakishly clever girl, Harry, you are REALLY dumb because you decided to fall in love with weasly Ginny instead of the most powerful and captivating female character in the series. But then, Hermione was pretty dumb in love too and picked the goofball Ron, instead of Viktor Krum – the only male character that JK Rowling invested with raw sex appeal. (Once again, more examples of women who choose mates that are completely beneath them. Like Lily did.) *More tearful thready memories ensue.*

I hope that you (and the world) will never forget that it was ME who personally ensured the success of Dumbledore’s farfetched plans to defeat Voldemort. It was ME who willingly helped to knock off Dumbledore even though I knew everybody would hate me for it. It was me who continually risked my life to bring down Voldemort and finally, it was ME who got killed – all so that you could live. In fact, if you look at all the evidence? The whole series should have been named after ME.

Sincerely and bitterly yours,

Severus Snape.

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14 comments

  1. Ahh, finally someone who understands the torturous soul that is Snape. I loved him from book one and so badly wanted some retribution for the way he was treated. I'm not a huge fan of James either. The explanation for Lily falling for him wasn't that concrete either. I think possibly it was because he was alpha male material which just sort of makes it a bit shallow. Harry + Ginny = WTF????????? how pathetically convenient. Never mind that her character building was practically non existent. This post said everything I wanted to say and more!

  2. Awww… Severus, Severus, Severus… The unsung hero… But seriously dude, trying to one-up an 11 year-old on their first year at magic school? Uncool. Same goes for joining the bleeding Death Eaters. But that's OK cos in the end, you redeemed yourself and then some. And don't worry… while the whole world is obsessed with Harry, he's quite gaga over you! I mean, the guy named his (secret favourite — don't deny it Harry!) kid after you! That's gotta mean something.Chin up and enjoy wizard heaven! Say hi to Sirius from me too… Ahem…Love your adoring Muggle fans xo

  3. Lan Im glad that you agree wth me, esp about the whole Harry loves Ginny thing. Yuck. It never really made sense why they would hit it off anyway. Now Harry and Luna? Hmm..Harry and Hermione? Those two could have taken over the wizarding world.Jessie – Im SO excited to hit the 100 follower mark, thank you for clicking that button. Im thinking I should throw a party with lots of gratuitous pics of half-naked Polynesian warriors to celebrate…but maybe I will just eat some donuts instead..LJ Kentowski – The books were defn way better than the movies ( although, we do get to meet Robert Pattinson in the movies so I guess they were good for something!) Glad u enjoyed the Snape whinge.

  4. I've never read Harry Potter. But can I just put down an utterly useless comment and say I have the biggest crush on Alan Rickman and his deep sexy voice?? Sigh. That's all 🙂

  5. LOL yes Stella you can say it – esp since I 100% agree. Prob explains why Im a little more sympathetic to Snape then would have been if someone else NOT quite as sexy played him in the movie. Good call.Yoohoo Snape! Rickman gave you sex appeal!

  6. Severus was my favourite from the moment he made the unbreakable vow.And Sirius, well, hi Sirius :DI think I do know why Hermione chose Ron though. Coz of his guns. Lol! I don't remember any mention of them in the books, but they sure did show in the movies! Consistent theme seems to be hot intelligent chicks prefer the dopey (and in James's case losery) guys over the handsome-and-mysterious-with-dark-tendencies guys. They obviously watched Star Wars and learnt the lesson that Padme learnt the hard way…eek.

  7. I agree Sevrus was an awesome character.Anyway just thought you should know Harry names one of his sons after Severus Snape."Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin and he was the bravest man I ever knew." —Harry Potter to his son on his fears of being sorted into Slytherin

  8. My sister directed me to your blog and I've been cracking up at, well, everything I've read thus far. I could not however pass up a chance to tell you how much this blog entry tickled me pink. I love Severus Snape, and not only because Alan Rickman portrayed him, that did help though. No I love him because he truly is the central cog to the works of Harry Potter. You remove him from the story and, well, you don't really have a story now do you. I've loved his character since PoA because of how he tried his hardest to protect his students in the shrieking shack with all his snarky angry glory.Shoot, I love this man and this series so much that my senior thesis in college was based on the half-bloods in the story! But mostly him, yeah, mostly him. So thanks for this. I really REALLY enjoyed reading it because everything you said is true.Other than the fact that Harry should NOT have ended up with Hermione. No. Severus should not have died and years later he and Hermione, now a professor at Hogwarts, should have married and had Know-it-all-snarky-bossy-curly-black haired-babies(Fanfiction has influenced me a lot on this account).Big Mahalo again for the laughs!

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