Why you shouldn’t talk about guns at church.

Have you got one of these at your house?
The Hot Man has been avidly watching the TV series “The Walking Dead.” So have I. I shut my eyes most of the time but I have this horrible fascination with a show that tells us in gory detail, what happens when the world is taken over by flesh eating zombies. I hate it but I have to watch it. Because I’m doing research. Because this could TOTALLY happen. And when it does, I want to be ready.

We Mormons are food and water hoarders. We are taught that every family must have a good supply of essentials for emergencies. (Like when you’ve spent half the food budget on a new dress and you don’t want the family to be forced to eat grass. That’s a dire emergency. Bust open the canned goods soldiers.) I love the principle of food storage. It’s just another confirmation for me that I must belong to a true church because it wants us to be practically prepared for anything and everything. Including the Zombie Apocalypse. (Okay, the Prophet never said to store food because of zombies, but I’m a clever woman and can fill in the significant gaps.)

Which is why, one Sunday in a lesson about ‘Principles of Effective Food Storage’ when the teacher asked, What else should we have in our storage? I waved my hand, eagerly. Yes, Sister Young?

“Lots of guns. And lots and lots of bullets.”

There was a silence. The kind that reeked of shock, overlaid with embarrassment. The teacher smiled at me kindly. Like you do at a small child who just said a bad word by accident. Um, and why would we need guns in our storage for?

Duh. Isn’t it obvious? “Because when the world falls apart, not everyone will have food storage. They will be desperate for stuff and they’re going to do everything they can to steal your supplies. It’s going to be a mad war zone out there. You need guns.”

There was more silence. The heavily disapproving kind. The teacher didn’t smile. “Sister Young, I’m sure that in a time of great disaster, we will be willing to share with those less fortunate than us because in such times, it’s more important than ever to be charitable and loving.”

Flame, crash and burn Lani…I shut up. But I’m sorry to say that I was unconvinced by the teacher’s loving logic. Clearly she’s not aware of the possibility of the Zombie Apocalypse. And she hasn’t seen the vicious pushing and shoving that occurs when there’s only one tray of brownies left at a crowded church dinner…

I’m not giving up on the guns. I’m selfish, cruel and uncharitable. Me and my canned goods are going straight to hell.

I hope they let me take my guns.

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12 comments

  1. hhmmm…less fortunate meaning UNPREPARED??? uh oh..i better get my butt in gear and start on my 72hr kit. I'm a procrastinator who always says the most popular phrase "YES I'LL DO IT" and then disaster hit and whallaaaaa..we got NADA..NOpe dont want that to happen. So better start on it NOW because LANI will NOT share her canned goodies and she will have a gun to shoot the first living thing that comes asking…choohooo

  2. Haha KB – I'm sitting in the unprepared boat right now. This blogpost was when i was still in Samoa – i had lots of food storage AND a couple of weapons back then. But now, since moving to NZ? Nuffin. I dont even have a sapelu! And my cupboard is bare. I will be one of the stealer scavengers…

  3. Oka Lani! I'm with you on protecting my stash of eleni and pisupo! Lol. I'm picturing the hush that went over your class and I'm cracking up! Lol. Thanks for the laugh today! I really needed this laugh/cough fit!

  4. Dont know where your Mormons are from, but the Mormons we have here in Cali, would be "amen"-ing your gun solution. "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wahoo"-yes, I believe that was the 10th commandment given to the children of Israel…

  5. im with you… it doesnt hurt to include guns and ammo in that storage. i mean you'll never know what might happen. just remind me never to come asking for food from your storage lol!

  6. OH MY GOODNESS.. i thought i was the only one in the entire universe who thought about these kinds of things. people might look at me sideways when i say things (like all of the above) but i think my overly imaginative mind will save me one day. because you just never know what the future holds. maybe – it is a gun!.. hehehehe

  7. We've talked about this over and over again here in our area and no surprise, nearly everyone here as a stash of the essentials AND a cache of weapons and ammo. No sense putting together all of that stuff if someone who does have a gun comes over and steals it all from you. Don't worry Lani, you're not the crazy one. The ones who aren't listening are definitely the crazies. Great reminder!

  8. Sister, I've got to mention this next time I'm at the Temple! I am so certain that our local Temple workers will find just love this. Of course they have already had to put up with my mentioning how closely the Endowment matches current cosmological theory. I also tell them about all of the new exoplanets that have been discovered. They aren't quite sure what to do with me :)Wayne

  9. Yes on packing heat for the day of reckoning to maintain some old skool law and order, but on a side note I'm a total fanboy of Robert Kirkmans 'The Walking Dead', especially the graphic novels which I hear you were once a connoisseur of. I'm excited I ain't the only Samoana TWD cheerleader, especially since the novel's editor is a lady named Sina.

  10. Guns are a must have. People when desperate—you don't want to die for a can of Campbell's soup. But if it's the last can in the universe and your 7 year old is hungry—sorry hon, got to shoot the neighbor in his thieving fingers.Just the way it is. If he's a zombie–head shot. I've seen the Walking Dead, I'm not screwing around with those creatures.T

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