Your Partner vs Your Children. Who wins?

Seventeen years ago I ran away into the sunset with the Hot Man because I wanted to spend every breathing moment with him. I wanted every thought to be entwined with his. Every word to only ever be uttered in his presence.We could talk for hours the Hot Man and I. About everything and nothing. We could dine on bread and Diet Coke – and every meal was a banquet. Bus to cheap movie nite with our home-made popcorn and cookies stuffed into our bag and still revel in the richness of just being together.  I married the Hot Man because I really couldnt imagine being without him.  ( and I most definitely didnt want to have to creep out of my house every night so I could ka’a with him and risk my mum’s eternal wrath…)
So we got married. And the ‘every breathing moment together’ thing really was bliss.

 And then came school. And work. And more work. And then some children fell out of the sky. And then came a house, a business, a mortgage. And some more children fell out of the sky. ( Dammnit it’s just raining babies wherever we go, whats up with that?!) And that ‘every breathing moment’ became…a moment here and there as babies grew and demanded more attention, more money, more energy, more patience. And now?

Well, now if I’m being completely honest – the Hot Man is not the focus of my life anymore. Now, life is all about the Fabulous Five as their needs, foibles and fables consume me. ( and drive me up the wall.) Now, it’s their joys that entrance me. Their pains that hurt me. Their dreams that make me wish for magic so I could make them all come true. And yet, I was never a girl who wanted to have any children. I was just a girl who wanted to be with that super hot – super bad boy that she was crazy about.

Now, me and the Hot Man are like ships passing each other in the night. I have to call him at work to chat so I can get a word in edgewise without some child butting in. We are like two people on the run from stalkers as we seek to evade our own children so that we can…talk, laugh, or chill out WITHOUT ONE OF THOSE INVADER CHILDREN TALKING, LAUGHING AND CHILLIN with us. (Whether we want them to or not.) We have to schedule ‘hot moments’ or else they won’t happen. We have to make Date Night appointments for movies, dinner, a gym class.

Sometimes it can get so crazy around here that I say to him, “You know, I married you so I could be with you all the time in forever. But now, I hardly get to be with you at all. I married you because I wanted to be with you but now – I have to share you with all these other people! What the heck is up with that? Who said all these other people could butt into this relationship?!”

Sometimes I have to remind myself that even though life is all about the Hot Man’s children (yes, they belong to only him when I’m annoyed with them) – we still need to put our relationship first. Take the time to make that date, schedule that chat, find the energy to listen to each others complaints and be inspired by each other’s goals. Because, if we fall apart? Then who will tag team as slaves parents to this raggedy mob? It’s the strength of OUR relationship that matters the most to the happiness of the raggedy mob.

Besides, one day all these Fabulous Five will grow up and move out. And it will be just me and the Hot Man left in this house. In this relationship. And it’s going to be pretty lonely and miserable around here if we’re not used to talking to each other, if we cant stand the sight of each other…hmmm.

So, if you’re new to the partnered/married thing and dont have children yet? Enjoy every moment of being together while you still can! And if you’re co-captaining a ship that some little people have stowed away on? What tips do you have to share on how to still keep that Hot Buzz hot between you two? What do you do to make sure your Significant Other – still knows they’re Significant? How do you escape your demon wonderful children?

‘Bella the Beast’ whom we all Adore and spoil rotten – asks
Mum, why would you want to run away from such a gorgeous, cute, ballerina fairy like ME? 
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16 comments

  1. Loved you post lani!. I only have one child but I already know now what a long and hard road of parenting the future holds when I read your posts. I think I need to start appreciating my time with my significant other before we get swamped with lovable children who take up every waking moments of our lives. So you ask.. how do we keep the buzz? well its simple really (since we only have one) we work around our little mischief maker and most of the time everyones needs are met.

  2. This is the time-honored problem, isn't it? We were only married for a month before I got pregnant, so I've either been really fat and uncomfortable, or holding a baby since I got married. No down time for us. I love the babies with all my heart, butI look forward to bedtime like a lion stalks a gazzelle. That's the only time Husband and I get to spend together, and it's wonderful not having the little tiny hands clinging to your pants, asking you for something…lol

  3. I think initially parents will say "Oh definitely my children first". But my husband and I have talked about this exact issue before. That this family is nothing if we are not having a good relationship. So we do take time to have our talks in bed before he has to sleep and I have to return to the rugrats. We text each other a lot during the day. I send pics of the kids if they do something funny. I ask about his day and actually listen to him talk about his nerdy games. We send the kids to their rooms, turn on disney movies, while we watch a movie once a week. We need to work on going out just the two of us, but for now the little things work. I'm going to start working out with him…soon.(or so I keep telling myself) And maybe turn the home movie night into a real theater movie night. My twins are going through separation anxiety right now, so it is not a pretty scene when I walk out of the house without them.

  4. Fantastic post. I don't have children of my own (although my husband's son has lived with us fulltime since he was 14 years old) so I have very little experience to compare to yours. I can't imagine finding time (and energy) to put the relationship first with five children but it sounds like you do…and it sounds like you recognize that your relationship with yourself, and your hubby, is the foundation of the family. Without it, everything crumbles. So I love that you recognize it's importance and you make time for it. I think that's key to keeping it all alive…and a great role model for your kids.

  5. This is such a lovely post. I guess you've read enough of my relationship to know that kids or no kids, we're not getting a lot of down time lol. I guess Saturday is our day in the week – the kids go to their aunties for the day, and CK and I go have breakfast, catch a movie and just catch up on all the news from the week (since I barely speak to him all week anyway ha). Anyway that is NOT why I commented. What I wanted to say is Bella is gorgeous! Looks just like her mama.

  6. Absolutely and utterly agree with you. Mum and Dad as a unit is priority. Everything else is built on it after all. And even now as a single parent (but with a very involved baby daddy I should add) I know that investing in my happiness (sanity) is as important to my daughter as it is to me. Now can I just say, your little girl is ADORABLE!!!

  7. BB is a cutie. Love this post. I understood everything you said. It made me kinda teary. I forget sometimes i'm so full on with kids and my own things I neglect my poor husband. I only have 2 boys but sometimes my husband and I do neglect our relationship because it is always about the children. My husband and I have really good conversations when we phone eachother at work like boyfriend and girlfriend hehe. We have date nights once a month and workout together twice a week. To keep the rugrats happy before date night (2weeks) we usually have "Family Dinner" out at a fancy restaurant. The kids take turns at choosing a restaurant (that is not KFC/BK's or Maccas). We go there eat, talk and enjoy eachothers company. We remind them that date night for mum and dad is on……..and that they have to sleep at nanas house.

  8. Awww… Bella is a cutie patootie! 🙂 Thanks for the advice Lani. If or when that (the partner thing) happens again… I'll definitely remember this! Good luck on your "one on one time" scheduling. 🙂

  9. Loving the advice and hot couple tips everyone – thank you. Paige – looking forward to bedtime "like a lion stalks a gazelle" pretty much sums up the way I long for alone-time with this Hot Man! LOL Reenie, I like your point about making date night happen, even if you have to stay at home for it. We all have to work around the different situations we find ourselves in with the diff stages our kids are in – twins!? Wow. Natalie, it can be hard to remember that its our relationship that is the foundation for the family. Sometimes the poor HOt Man can get a little neglected in my insane rush to be everything and do everything for these children. *sigh*

  10. Hi Lani! I'm here via Peggy's blog: "Will Write for Cookies" She's definitely correct about you being fabulous! I loved this post, and although I can't imagine raising FIVE children, I understand about trying to have time with your husband. I have no answers, or suggestions, other than what has already been said…..because otherwise, I'd have to write a huge part of my memoir in your comment area! You're an awesome writer, too. I can tell just from reading your blog!

  11. Hey Lani, Thanks this is how I feel about my hot guy and my "baggage" or children. I have always tried to do the most and the best for my children, and sometimes my husband gets put on the back burner. And believe me, eventhough its the back burner, I can hear him boiling over waiting for my attention too. And as much crap as he has put me through in my life with his laziness, and selfishness he has made huge changes for US as a family. Being back in Samoa and in the same house with my children, parents, and grandmother hasn't helped either, but we are trying to ensure that after 8 is only time for us whether if it is watching TV, reading, talking, or "having fun" which is very far and in between. Thanks! 🙂

  12. Hi Becky, Kristine and Carrie – thanks for wandering over from Peggy's blog. Great to have you join us! Other Lani – so cool youre in the blog world! I've always admired your strength and patience with your partner. Its not easy to go thru what you have and Im happy that its working out for you. Hows the running!? I reeeeeally wish I could have come home for the relay this year. I wanted to be that person who did it every single year…

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