Why I will Never be a World Famous Best-Selling Author.

See? JK Rowling oozes with calm, elegant, best -selling author sophistication.

I have had an epiphany. A revelation of earth-shaking proportions. I will never be a world-famous, internationally best-selling author. Why? Because I am just way too un-cool. I have no calm ,elegant, nonchalant, best-selling sophistication at all. None.

I would never be able to catch sight of my book pictured on a poster somewhere without hyper-ventilating. Or see it in a bookstore without embracing it. (even if it was in the bargain bin. Embrace, embrace.) I wouldn’t be able to handle knowing that kazillions of people are reading my book. Or comprehend a movie being made of it. Fall down and die right there. A telesa doll at KMart? Hanging out with BARBIE?! Oh miraculous blessed day…to be on a shelf with that epitome of plastic perfection? All my childhood dreams are now realized. Nope. Just the thought of Telesa world domination is making me ill. I will never make it.

How do I know this? Take the following as disturbing evidence:

*I see someone’s profile name on Twitter is “TeamDaniel” or “TeamTelesa” and I shriek for the Fab5 to come check it out! (and they’re like, yeah, yeah, so?)
*I jump up and down and do a delighted touchdown dance when readers say stuff like, “My little sister has a wave shaped birthmark. I want to take her to the beach, throw her in the ocean and see if she has any telesa powers.” and “It’s raining in Melbourne today. Telesa matagi weather.” and “I hate my boss. She’s a real telesa Sarona type.” and “Reading Telesa on the bus, missed my stop.” and “I can’t concentrate at work. Keep thinking about Telesa.” Or “Dreaming about me and Daniel. I love U Telesa.” Or I stumble across a Twitter conversation where people are discussing which telesa woman they most wish they could be and I want to be an anonymous Tweeter and join in with my opinion. (what did I tell you? Sooo uncool. Capital L on my forehead.)
*I see someone’s profile pic on Facebook is the Telesa bookcover and I want to be best friends with them right away. Maybe bake them cookies. They share their fave quotes and scenes and I want to host a massive Telesa party with fireworks (and Ryan Reynolds aka Jason) – where they’re the guests of honor.
*When I get beautiful emails from readers sharing their experience reading the book – I want to cry. (ok, ok so I did cry. Just once or twice dammnit. Hayfever. )

No, I definitely don’t have what it takes. I am that annoying, pesky author who will stalk you if she sees you reading her book in a library, on a bus, at a mall. Or shower you with shrieking hugs if I hear you discussing the symbolism contained in chapter 5. Or butt in when you’re complaining to a friend about how annoying Leila can be – so I can add my agreeing two cents worth AND my detailed explanation of why she’s the way she is. (To that reader at the bookshop in Samoa…I’m sorry! I promise I’m not usually that jittery and uncool. Truly.)

Lots of people everywhere seem to really be enjoying Telesa. And I still can’t believe it. Other people actually are as obsessed as I am with Daniel and Leila’s story! How cool is that?  Gleeful skittery skipping all over the place. The beautiful Jillian Dodd ( author of That Boy) has compared an author’s books to her children. I agree. You spend so much time writing them and preparing them to go out into the big bad world and you worry whether everyone will ‘be nice’ to them. And when, ohmiflamingTelesaFireHeck your book finds people who actually love it, stay up all night to read it, read it 3,4,5 times, watch the book trailer every morning….well, you get kinda ridiculously buzzed. Wow.

I want to tell you that I am so grateful to all of you that have taken the time to read Telesa. Maybe you’ve reviewed it, tweeted about it, shared it on Facebook, or encouraged a friend to read it. Maybe you have sent me an email or left me an online message about the book. I read them all. And yes, I squeeeee and tell the Fab5 to come quick and check it out. (and yeah, they roll their eyes and tell me to try to at least pretend to be cool.)  And yes, I’ve probably cyber-stalked your Telesa conversations (because that’s what Loser Uncool Authors do.) I am so grateful for your encouragement and support. I’m new to this. I have so much to learn and a long way to go – but it’s exciting to be taking this journey with all of you!

I can’t promise that I will ever be blase, nonchalant, reserved and cool if you try to Telesa chat with me. (Because my L for Loser is stamped pretty strong on my forehead.) But I can guarantee that I will always be appreciative. And yeah, I’ll probably invite you over for cookies and Diet Coke.

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9 comments

  1. Aww Lani, I think I would be the same as you. I'd probably start my own fan page and pretend I was someone else 🙂 I'm sure J.K practices her nonchalant face in front of the mirror all the time. For there to people who have changed their FB pics to the Telesa cover in incredible as it is. I think you're doing well with your very much deserved fame. And authors who participate with their readers are the bomb, so I say, let your crazy side go and approach your fans!

  2. Nice post Lani 🙂 I'm so thrilled for you. You deserve every bit fan love coming your way!. I loved TELESA from the very first 'sneak peak' and have enjoyed watching your journey unfold on blogger and facebook. Thank you for sharing your talents with the world and for showing us that dreams really are possible. Wishing you well with your week ahead. 🙂

  3. You never cease to crack me up .. im loving that you love that we love your book lol … Can i just say ahhh its good to have you back been missing your blogs but totally understand as you are flat chat with your amazing book… Did I mention that March is only 75 odd days away not that Im couting or anything lol … Lomz

  4. I am the same way!! I'm shocked by success. Maybe JKR felt that way after her first HP book. I bet she stalked people on twitter too. (Like I might even do that myself, like a little.) Because in the photo you have there of JKR, she's holding the 7th book. She'd already made some pretty big bucks by then, and clearly her hair and makeup was done by a professional. I think we could look that way too, like someday. Just think 6 more books, and you'll be calm and cool too 🙂 Congrats on your success. It's amazing and you are a big inspiration to us!!!

  5. Not every best selling wealthy writer is so calm and relaxed I would think. I wouldn't be surprised to find that many who do appear in public practice their breathing and smiles before stepping in front of a camera. That said, I have horrible stage fright and even if I ever became a best seller, I would be terrified of a book signing. So I feel your struggle with uncool there. I think you would hold up better than most though. You have a few kids, those are great for teaching you to hold up under pressure.

  6. Ah! Lani, you dont want to be like JKRowling – she wears too much foundation! tehehehe. Hey, you wrote in my (prized) Telesa book these words, "Dare to dream" – so right back at you – its a destination you've already started the journey to. So go girl!

  7. Lani, i tweeted about ur book Telesa just the other day and you commented back – i knew then that you were a passionate author. im now following you on twitter and facebook and youve got a new fan in me. Cannnot wait til When Water Burns comes out! 🙂 I honestly started reading it on Tuesday the 31st Jan and finished it on the 1st Feb – 27 hours later … I could not put it down and kept wanting to know what happens next! Great work, Great Characters, Great Storyline and Great First Novel! This blog is hilarious too, keep up the good work 🙂

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