What should you NOT do the day before you launch your book?
You should NOT try to attempt a new workout program called Kettleworx for the very first time. (Because of course you know better than to think that enthusiastically throwing kettle weights around will magically make you ten pounds lighter…magically in time for all the cameras that will be flashing at your book launch. Noooo, I mean who’s dumb enough to think that? Not I.) You should especially NOT attempt a new workout program before a launch because your partner will warn you not to. And when you ignore him (because you reeeeally want to have that fab fit feeling when you pour yourself into your MENA dress you borrowed from your sister) he will reprimand you. “You’re going to be sore tomorrow and you have so much to do for the launch. You should stop that workout right now. You’ll be sorry!” And you get annoyed with him because he just doesn’t understand, he’s stopping you from attaining that fab fit and high feeling.
But you really should have listened to him. Because if you do try a new workout program, you will wake up on the morning of your Auckland book launch with every muscle in your body screaming in pain. (Who knew I even had any muscles? I didn’t.) And then when you try to walk, you will be so stiff and sore that you shuffle. And stick your butt out in a very unattractive manner. And when you sit down – you won’t be able to stand up without assistance because your legs cramp up. And when you climb up stairs you need to hang on to the rail and pull yourself up and you will totally look like you’re a woman in labor about to drop a baby out of her ‘special place’ at any moment. OR you will look like a woman who’s had a bit too much excitement the night before. Great, just great. (As if there wasn’t already enough fiery innuendo at a Telesa launch with all the Leila and Daniel references…)
And then when you’re shuffling about, your partner will say ‘I told you so.’ And you will have to agree with him and tell him that yes, you should have listened to him. And when you’re wearing your sister’s beautiful MENA dress which requires that one constantly hold one’s salubrious stomach in – the task will be that much more difficult because everything hurts dammnit. And you’re not very good at smiling anyway, and so the thought of smiling at a book launch AND trying not to look like you’re in agony? Is daunting.
1.Listen to your partner. He’s usually right.
2. If you want a quick way to get that Fab, Fit and High feeling? Don’t get busy with a quickie workout. Eat some lettuce. Wash it down with a Diet Coke. And just get busy. (Of course I meant busy with your launch preparations. Of course. Why, what else did you think I meant?!)
Yeah – thats how I was walking afterwards. But I wasnt smiling. Oh, and the muscle tone was missing as well.