‘Im Sexy and I know it’

Good morning 2012,
This year, I will set realistic health and fitness goals. I will not be stupid and say “Im going to lose 40 pounds and have washboard abs that are SO amazing that I will be able to replace Ezra Taylor on the cover of my Telesa book.” No. I’m setting goals that can actually be achieved. This year, I will work out on my new fitness machine, the AbCirclePro for 30min every morning and eat enough carrots to qualify me for admission to bunny rabbit sainthood.  See? Totally do-able goals. First weekday of 2012 and I am eager and enthusiastic.
Before using any exercise equipment, it’s essential to read the instruction manual. 
                            Instructions for using the Ab Circle Pro.
1. Lock the door. Essential. (Do you know how dumb you look on the AbCircle Pro? The Hot Man videotaped me working out on it the other day, and it’s a horrifying sight.  Nothing like the TV demo ad – which actually looks like an ad for a porn movie with a boosty beautiful Jennifer getting down and happy on her very sexy machine. Liar, liar.)
2. Put on workout gym clothes.  Super flash ones. Because of course everybody knows that color-co-ordination and sporting accessorization is 80% of the fitness battle won.
3.Put on earphones and start the iPod.  Possible sound tracks – ‘I’m Sexy and I know it. You’ve got a big butt and you know it.’ 

4. Get on Ab Circle Pro machine.  Begin swinging motion of lower body. Stick out chest like fitness celebrity Jennifer Nicole Lee. Smile.
5. Work that body. Work it, work it. Smile.  Yeah, you can feel that JLo hip movement really starting to burn. You know you’ve probably lost five pounds already. At least.
6. Swing faster. Because you’re sexy and you know it.
This is where the manual is revealed as a piece of useless, misleading crap. Because it’s missing this next vital piece of information. 
*Watch out that your knee doesn’t slip out of the machine support. Because if it does, you will be dislodged off the AbCirclePro and your knee will slam into the metal leg of the machine base and then onto the wood floor, your body weight will tilt the machine to one side dislodging your sexy self, your face will slam into the central metal piece, and then you will fall on the floor.
Yes, that key point is missing in the instruction manual.  So what happened?
Crash, thump, yelp, agonized scream, semi-muffled curse curse curse words.
I lay there in a crumpled heap on floor. Trying not to cry. Trying not to curse too loud. Trying not to kick the machine because dammnit I got it on 30 day trial and I really want to be able to send the stupid thing back.  Trying to ignore the fiery pain in my left knee.
My children have heard the scream. Or maybe the very loud crash. They are concerned and knocking on the locked door. ‘Are you ok?! What happened?’
‘Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.’ Comes to mind. But they can’t help me because the door is locked.  Drag myself over, unlock door. Family pours in with concern, confusion and compassion.  Sade bosses Little Son to bring ice for the knee that is swelling alarmingly. Bella kicks the AbCirclePro  vengefully. ‘You bad machine!’  The Princess pats my arm soothingly, ‘It’s alright Mum. You’ll be fine.’ Big Son just shakes his head, ‘that’s what happens when you go too fast on it.’ (Remind me to cut him out of my will.)
Two hours later and my knee is swollen in a freakishly frightening fashion. And I haven’t eaten any carrots either. Clearly, I will not be doing any more AbCirclePro anytime soon because not only does the knee hurt, but it also can’t fit into the knee support. 
I think this is a pain and a disappointment that only donuts can fix.
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12 comments

  1. yikes! bastard of a machine…well at least you can still eat the carrots whilst icing your knee 🙂 I hope it isn't too badly injured and it gets better soon.

  2. This is hilarious and totally sums up my working out as well. Every time I start I end up hurting myself and it causes me NOT to be able to work out. Hubby took me out to ride a bike with him (he goes like 40 miles at a time) I badly sprained my ankle when I fell off the bike! I think my subconscious just really doesn't want to work out. Donuts sound better! I really think will all the technological advancements, they really should just have a skinny pill we could take!!

  3. Thank you for your kind commiserations everyone! Yes, the knee is much better and now its just my pride and my fitness enthusiasm which needs help, lol. Jillian, I think you and are 'fitness challenged sisters' in an alternate universe.

  4. Thank you for that inspiring yet HILARIOUS blog. I'm sorry but I was dying just reading your "HOW TO", but the description of you falling was pretty funny. I am very sorry for your knee, but am happy you shared that with the world. 🙂 Cheers to working out… on a different machine maybe!

  5. OMG I just finished writing the longest blog and for some reason the page flicked back to the previous page and deleted it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why oh why does this always happen? (and it was a pretty good blog too lol)I just mentioned that this was THE most hilarious piece of writing I have come across! lol I can relate because the same thing happened to me except my then fiance (now husband) was behind me watching and I had to eat embarrassment thanks to x2 rather heavy sized cousins who thought they would stroll by for a visit and then have a turn on the ab-circle that just so happened to be there (darned Samoan homes). Of course they didn't heed the maximum weight warning and must have a good swing on it. Enough so that when I came home after hyping myself up for my ab workout, the middle of the machine that holds the 2 legs with the knee supports came flying up and resulted in my knees hitting the ground faster than light all while I was still holding on the the handles.lol I was absolutely mortified yet in pain and couldn't stop laughing and neither could my fiance.lolThank you so much for this blog it has made my day:) and to cut a long story short the fate of the ab-circle ended recently by being sold on trade me. lol At least there was some sort of compensation for my immense embarrassment and pain. Never going to live that one down.lolKeep it coming Lani I am loving this new blogging thing and I don't know why I have never read blogs before!!!

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