I am Sad

Something incredibly sad happened the other day. Like soul-shredding sad. Like eat two lamingtons in a row sad.

The Bella Beast turned five.  And started at Big Girl School. In a uniform with a matching hat and shoes and everything.

I hate it when the Fab5 reach certain milestones. Big Son’s first dance. Big Daughter’s first Sunday moving into the church Youth program. The day Little Daughter turned eight and got baptized. Hate it all. Because it means they’re taking another step away from being mine. From being the baby, the child, the person that needed me more than anything else, anyone else in the universe. The start to becoming these people who actually have opinions. And disagree with me. And no longer believe that I know everything.

But what made Bella’s birthday even more crushing for me, was the recognition that this will be the last time I will ever usher a baby from my uterus into school. Bella is my very last baby. There can’t be anymore ( not even accidentally) thanks to the wonders of medical science. As I kissed her goodbye and watched, she walked down the driveway with her Dad and it was like the end of so many things.

My last baby is a Big Girl. And I am sad.



  1. Oh, I feel you Lani. I wrote a similar post around this time last year when Bobbie hit the same milestone – "I envisage her as the lead actress in a big budget Bollywood film, with swathes of extras thrusting their arms skyward in unison, dancing to the beat that Bobbie is setting. Click click click go her plastic heels, blue eyes cast upward to meet the gaze of those who have had the good fortune to be in town as her parade passes through."

  2. I'm sad reading this post and I don't even have children. Maybe you can think of it less as an end of somethig special and a beginning of a new step for Bella. If all else fails maybe you can write a character based on Bella and immortalise her as she is forever!

  3. I know exactly how you feel. My Miss 5 went to school at the beginning of this year. She is the youngest and like you, I won't be having any more babies. I felt the sadness too and then it passed. Enjoy your journey with your Fab 5!

  4. You have read my mind Lan, lol. I actually have a range of childrens story books coming out soon and some of them have as their lead character, a very stubborn, very determined, (rather naughty) little five year old called…Bella.

  5. Milestones certainly make you realize just how fast time goes by and in an instant – little bubs have grown into little people. My lil miss just turned 4 in October 🙂

  6. Awwwww. You've done amazing Lani (and the hot man too). She must leave to do great things in this world…just like you!I say this to ease your sadness and yet I will miss my number 5 as she begins school next year too 😦

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