Somebody was Killed in my House Last Night

Somebody was butchered in my bathroom. Hacked to pieces in gruesome fashion.

Or at least that’s what it looks like. Red-stained gloves, red spatters all over the floor, the basin, the unlucky bathtub – even the mirror has got slaughter evidence on it. It’s not pretty. And it’s not coming off.

This is what happens when a woman is bored at ten pm. When she thinks, “New Year…New ME!” When she comes across a box of hair dye that she bought on sale over a year ago (because she saw a pic of Rihanna’s violent red hair and asked herself, ‘why can’t I be bold and vivid like that? And then she came to her senses and stored the box in the cupboard and didnt think about it again. Until last night.) 

So there I was. Tired of looking like me. Tired of being sensible and practical. So what did I do? I (a total hair-dye novice who has NEVER colored her hair before) decided to live on the edge and Just Do It.  Bring on the magic.

Big Son was the only child awake to witness my exciting adventure. He told me I was being stupid.”Don’t do it mum. All your hair will probably fall out. Or the color will look hideous on you.”

Big Son doesn’t get it. Living life on the edge REQUIRES a little stupidity. Heck, if it doesn’t work, I can just shave all my hair off and be exciting and bold in a Vin Diesel kinda way. So I ignored him. (That’s why we have children anyway. So we can ignore them.)

I read the instructions carefully. I followed them. I sat for 30 minutes with that stuff on my head. Waiting for magic. Big Son was in hysterics. Taking pictures. “You look like a zombie! Like Darth Maul with hair! Like you work at Spookers! blah blah.”

I ignored him. I was waiting for the magic.

Then it was time to unleash the new me. A vivid, violet red-haired new me. I washed my hair.

And then I wanted to sue the Schwarzkopf Hair company because they neglect to tell novice idiots that:
1. This dye will stain your skin. Try your bestest NOT to get it on your scalp. ( Or your face, your forehead, your neck, your fingers, your feet…) ONLY put it on your hair.
2. This dye will also stain your house. Try your bestest NOT to get it on the floor, the basin, the mirror, the bathtub, the floormat, the wall… ONLY put it on your hair.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking ‘but Lani, its permanent hair dye, didnt you think of those things before you slathered it all over your head and splattered it everywhere in your bathroom?’ No, I wasnt thinking, okay? Because I was being exciting. Bold. A daredevil. Unleashing the new me.

I washed my hair. I dried it. And there’s something freakishly wrong. The dye has stained my head. And there’s red marks on my neck and my back (that may or may not look like nasty skank love bites). There’s violent red stuff all over the bathroom that is stubbornly refusing to be scrubbed off.

But my hair?

Is still brown.

Conclusion? The New Me is an idiot. That looks like Darth Maul with hair.

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9 comments

  1. That is what living on edge is about…risk.Without this experience you would not have a story to tell let alone have your kid say ”I told yo you so”…now he will funny stories to tell his kids of cool his mom is…

  2. I hate dying my hair.I've dyed my hair before, but since the twins I just don't have the patience. But "new year new me" I thought I would finally cover up these grey hairs with light brown. So I finally used my dye that I bought over a year ago. But with my natural Samoan boof curly hair, I literally could pass as a treasure troll. Curse you DIY hair dyes!! LOL Anyway, have you tried vinegar and baking soda to get the dye out?

  3. Sadly I dont think DIY hair dye is designed to those of us with lack hair unless you want to bleach it like crazy. Sometimes I'll dye my hair a blue black which only looks slightly blue under intense light or in the sun. Whenever I dye my hair it gets all over the place as well. I can't wear glasses while doing it so I totally can't see and it gets everywhere. I find that nail polish remover works really well in getting the stains out. Just need to rinse really well after!

  4. Haha. I used to dye my hair a coppery reddish brown color but I noticed that the rumored 30 minutes never worked for me. My hair is too dark or something and I ended up having to leave the dye in for like 45 minutes or longer. Luckily I had a cousin who dyed her hair every color in the book before me and so she was able to tell me about it before hand. Also there are certain brands that are more likely to dye your face and neck, and those happen to be the ones made mainly for Caucasian women. I had to get the ones that were made for "women of color" or whatever. She told me which ones to avoid, and one day I decided to defy her! I want the luxurious ones that take up the entire isle, not the ones in the corner on the end. I got one ad lo and behold, my head, face and neck were dyed. I got it off my skin with nail polish remover, rubbing alcohol, and those kind of abrasive substances, but the fine blondish hairs that cover my skin were still dyes, and I had to take a razor to those hairs. Finally, it looked okay. But you can believe that I followed her rules from then on.

  5. Reenie – I am glad to hear Im not not the only one going with "New Year New Me"….via a home hair dye job. Again, I totally wish we could meet up in person one day…and commiserate and compare! LOL Thanks for the vinegar and baking soda tip. Will try it.

  6. Lan, Im glad blog readers have more experience with hair dye than I do and are willing to share their wisdom. Yes, I am going to have to go get a professional to dye my hair if I really want that whole 'vivid Rihanna' effect.

  7. Yes. I would have certainly helped and I'm sure everyone else would. In the future, it would probably help the mess if you seek someone else's help, and use the ones specifically for us!

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