I am Enough.

I blinked and 2012 streaked naked through my life, my messy house. And then it was gone. Just like that. Hello 2013!

Right, so I’m going to do something revolutionary (for me) this year.  I am not going to start the new year making a list of all the things I hate about myself and how to fix them. Lists for how to be prettier, nicer, smarter, skinnier, friendlier, wiser, neater and all the other kinds of stupid’er things I’m supposed to be in fantasy land. Ha. I am NOT even going to make any fitness and weight loss goals. I am not going to commit to running in any 102km relays. I am NOT going to visualize how happy I will be when I lose twenty pounds. Or get boob implants. Liposuction. A nip. Tuck. Botox. I’m not even going to waste a single minute cursing the science research/medical industry that wont invest money and effort into devising a pill that gives you instant boob implants, liposuction, plastic surgery and botox. A painless, simple, cheap pill. I’m not going to knock down Jenny Craig’s door the minute they open after the New Year holiday for cardboard food I will hate eating. Or buy an insanely overpriced gym membership to a gym I will hate going to.

No. Not wasting a breath on any of that crap this year.

Because this is the year that I turn forty thirty-six. I am not a simpering, eyelash-batting, breathy-voiced teenager freaking out over acne and wondering whether some cute boy likes me. And I am not a self-obsessed, self-possessed, party-going, table-dancing, skank mini-skirt wearing twenty-something year old either. Or a people-pleasing yes-kid starving for affirmation.

 I am a WOMAN, dammit. A 5″10, CENSORED pound woman who’s given birth to four children and tried to stay sane while raising five. A big, brown Polynesian woman with big hips, bold thighs, and lush curves in unwanted unexpected places. I’ve got centipede pattern stitch scars across my non-existent ab’s from triple c-sections. And whispered tiger stripe stretch marks everywhere else that tell their story of baby growing. Breasts that have nourished life – and bled for it. Arms that have rocked a crying child a thousand times, a thousand nights. Hands that have labored over chocolate cakes, kids homework from hell, hair braiding, kids’ eczema, cleaned up puke, poop, paint and parties, given hugs (and yeah, maybe these hands have pinched naughty kids a few times too…wielded a salu…possibly)

 I am a mother with a loud voice who can laugh with her children, cry with them and fight for them.  I am a wife with a patient heart who knows how to love through the good, the bad and the ugly times. I am a daughter who knows that the best way to love her parents – is from a distance – with carefully constructed fences of self-built self-worth. I am a sister who’s made mistakes – and is learning from them. I am a teacher who knows how to make learning a journey of discovery with her students. I am an author who writes Pasifika love stories – and loves it.  I am blessed. I am grateful.

I am all these things and more. I am me and I am not going to waste time on trying to be anything different. This quote from a very wise woman, Marjorie Hinckley is perfect, “We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” I think I am finally ready to stop trying to prove myself.

This year, I will not be driven by self-loathing. This year I will endeavour to incorporate into my life – more of those elements that uplift, energize and inspire me. For example, I hate running (and dieting). With a passion. But I love love love dancing. (and eating.) With a passion. This year I’m going to sign up for fun stuff like Hot Hula and also finally learn how to tango. (hopefully the Hot Man will agree to sign up to be my Antonio-Banderas-dance partner!) I’m going to make the time to prepare the foods that I love and take a cooking class so I can stop eating cans of tuna for dinner followed by three different kinds of cake (since thats all I know how to make with any kind of skill…) Bring on the seafood extravaganza menu!

I want to (finally) learn to swim. Go to a Coldplay concert. Meet up with fabulous author friends at the RT Convention in the US. Write more books about lots of luscious, bold Pasifika women (and beautiful hot guys…of course) Take the Fab5 to Disneyland. Get my NZ driver’s license so I can actually drive OUTSIDE West Auckland, see more of New Zealand with my family.  Get out of my hermit cave more. I will try new things and search for new experiences that will bring joy to my life and the lives of those I love.

My resolutions for 2013? To be fierce, fiery and bold – in person and not just on paper. To love better, dance and laugh more. To be content with me.

To say, ‘I am enough.’ And mean it.

What do you hope for from YOUR 2013?

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9 comments

  1. Thank you for reading and sharing. And more importantly, thank you for being a part of my 2012 journey that has helped to bring me to a point where I CAN be bold enough to say…I am enough! I really hope we get to meet in person this year.

  2. Lani you are sooooo WONDERFUL! I love reading your blog. You always seem to make me laugh and have me saying "Amen sister! Preach it!" I really did enjoy reading this post. Hot Hula fitness is something I wanna do too but if you can't find it, try Zumba its sooooo fun. My sister and I dance around with a room of 50 ladies ranging for 10-60 and we have a ball. Here's to 2013! xo

  3. Thanks for the blog feedback – u are a constant inspiration to me with your joy for color, fashion, travel, people and bold style. I wd love to go shopping with you one day because I totally suck at buying clothes for myself, *sigh* and u ALWAYS put together the most awesome outfits. I hear ya about Zumba. A friend and I have made a pact to go to zumba here in West Auck – with a vibrant and funky teacher called Lee. Im excited!

  4. Hi Lani…this blog of yours is so inspiring nd wonderful to read for I've read it three times now coz it all portrays our kind of island women…thank u for sharing your beautiful thoughts nd knowledge which is very uplifting nd so true. Anyways, all da best for your 2013 journey with your family nd we support u all da way. Thanks to your books that inspired me to luv reading nd sleepless nites..lol.. hey u wont be surprised if i post your wedding foto with brada Togi when u were hot skinnier, sexy nd beautiful…lol, u still are mother of four nd am very proud of you…Regards:))

  5. Oh Lani I am SO with you! I am woman, hear me ROAR!!!! And YES, my 2013 goal are to "do it different", and go after what I want in my life and not let fear stop me! I'm working to publicize my mosaic artwork (website on the way!), take a yoga class, do more massage, and open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone of the male pursuasion for relationship! With full black-woman hips and thighs and all! Let you know how it goes!

  6. There is hope for me yet lol I have thoroughly enjoyed this blog and it's so true to be at peace with yourself. I feel at times accepting myself is so much harding than accepting others and helping them. So my goal is to be more content with my lot, my self image and not worry about what others (mainly family) think or say. And to be more fun loving, not take things so seriously. Thanks Lani for your humourous and honest life prospective it's very comforting to know I'm not alone hahaha 😉

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