Things you should know before you date (or heaven forbid, marry) a writer

1. We go to extreme lengths to delay writing. We want you to leave us alone so we can write but then you will find us: color coding the linen cupboard, cleaning out the fridge, baking three different kinds of cookies (For the children dammit!) Emailing that longlost friend from high school that we havent spoken to in 20 years and probably will never think about again for another 20. Ironing sheets… All of this stuff is essential FOR writing to happen because not until we have taken care of every single loose end and tied every loose thread in the jumbled mess that is our lives…only then can we sit down and actually write something. So, dont ever make the mistake of asking, ‘But I thought you were supposed to be writing today?’ Or ‘Since you’re not writing, why don’t we have a fun outing to the hardware store together?’ No. Just don’t. Or we might shank you. Because even though it doesnt LOOK like it – we are WRITING.

2. You need to accept that if you date a writer, she is going to write about you. Somehow, somewhere, sometime. She may not do a Taylor Swift and compose an entire novel dedicated to telling her crappy ex-boyfriend that ‘We are NEVER EVER getting Back Together’ (and I’m happy and gorgeous and rich and successful and you suck, so there!) No, we’re writers. We’re more subtle. We have more class. And most of us are not psycho rich and successful like Ms Swift and we don’t want you to sue us for defamation. Instead, we will put all the nicest pieces of you into our glorious romance leads. And those super sweet things you say or do for us? Will probably end up in a book somewhere. We may give you a pseudonym to protect your innocence/hotness identity ( like “Hot Man”…) and blog about you. Which will be alright when only three people read our blogs but then it could become a little tricky for you when readership bounces up a few thousand. ( or sixty.) And then you might end up on airplanes where random women giggle and ooh and aah and ask you, ‘Are you the Hot Man on so-and-so’s blog?!’ You will then grit your teeth, grin and bear it while wishing you had included a ‘Thou Shalt Not Write About Me’ clause in your marriage contract.  I’m here to tell you though that while you may not like to see pieces of yourself in a writer’s book/blog – you should be worried if you DON’T. We write about what matters to us. If we write fiction, we take creative license with the people and situations and experiences that have an impact on us. The people we love (or hate) can inspire us the most. Can spark the most powerful writing from us. So take it from me, if you’re dating a writer and she DOESN’T write about you somewhere, somehow, sometime? Then it’s not looking good for you. Oh, and it’s very true – if you are really mean to a writer she can (and will most probably) write you into a book – and kill you. (Humming a Taylor Swift song while she does it is optional.)

3. Having said that though, be aware that a lot of what a writer writes is NOT ABOUT YOU.  When she writes a short story about a psychotic, wife-beating, stalker husband, she is NOT trying to send you a message. When she writes a character who bears a suspicious resemblance to Hugh Jackman, she is not wishing you would grow a Wolverine beard and undergo adamantium implants. Because lots of stuff a writer writes is complete fiction and there are no subterranean hidden meanings in there anywhere. When she says the curtains are blue in her character’s bedroom – she really does just mean the curtains are blue. Not that they represent her inner yearning for the freedom of the wide open ocean because she secretly hates being with you and wants to escape your clutches. Trust me folks, not everything is about YOU. This counsel goes for family members and friends of writers as well. I have a relative who is often suspicious that every mean girl I describe in my books is really HER in disguise because I’m trying to get back at her for a lifetime of familial squabbles. It’s not about her. It’s not about me. It’s not about you. It’s about a cool story idea that a writer gets and is driven to put on paper. Nothing more. Nothing less. So get over yourselves.

4. Writers are obsessive possessive about their books. Writing a book is like giving birth to a child. You’re pregnant with that story in your head for at least nine months ( or 9 years) and it’s always there no matter what you do. Sometimes your story plunges you in the depths of despair and you wallow in misery, puking your guts out. Other times, it’s on fire and you’re happy and glowing and the world is a wonderful place with lots of yummy food to eat.  If you’re not careful, EVERYTHING in a writer’s life becomes about that blasted baby book. You take a writer to dinner and she will be casing the joint, wondering if the restaurant would make for a good scene in her novel. Go to a movie with her and she will either complain about how unoriginal films are these days and why the hell cant somebody make a movie about her stinkin book already? Or she will be swept away by the onscreen romance, be filled with excitement – and tell you to ‘hurry up and take me home so we can get it on… NOT! HAHA so I can get to my laptop and write.’ Its not over when that book is released. Once that writer ‘gives birth’ to that kid, she worries and frets about it as it goes out into the big bad world. She stalks reviews and is sad when people are mean to her baby. She goes over that book again and again and hates herself when she finds mistakes that she missed. If the book is successful, she is proud of her child’s achivements and everything in your house is blissful. If it sucks? Yeah, well – dont go home…. Date a writer and you will have to share her with her characters. With her story. With her villains and heroes. You will need to set boundaries with that writer. Draw the line somewhere. Tell her, ‘I hate to break it to you, but NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE is about your stupid beautiful book.‘ Hopefully you will be able to negotiate some compromises, but it wont be easy. Let’s be honest, there’s a reason why so many writers end up alone, miserable, starving losers writing in gutters and garrets and possibly sticking their heads in an oven.

5. Many writers have shockingly abysmal social skills. And are disgustingly private people. Which doesnt match their blabbermouth writing selves at all. Your writer may be painfully shy in person and prefer to order takeaway, talk to herself, go to movies alone, and only dance when nobody else is looking. YET, this is the same writer who will conversate with total strangers on Twitter, be best friends with bloggers she has never met, and have the funniest, wittiest things to say on Facebook. You will need to accept that many writers have a carefully constructed public persona that is very different from their private real self. She may blog the most hilarious things but when you come home she is the grouchiest, meanest and most depressing woman you’ve ever had the misfortune to occupy the same airspace with. Do not freak out. It is not a sign that she hates you. It is a reminder that writers are SCREWED UP PEOPLE. Lots of us are kinda crazy. We hear voices, we have conversations with them…and then we write those voices down and turn them into books that (strangely enough) people actually want to read. We are also really really good at making shit up. We are proffesional pretenders. We invent, exaggerate and lie – its called writing. And we’re really good at it. If we really  love you, we let you see the true parts of ourselves – and then we desperately hope you don’t freak out, we hope you love us enough to stick around.

I hope this advice can be helpful for any and all considering the possiblity of a relationship with a writer. Get out NOW while you still can!  I am grateful there is someone who loves ME enough to stick around. I’m also grateful I had some children because they don’t really have a choice – they’re stuck with a mother who writes – so I’m (hopefully) never going to end up alone and miserable in a gutter. Or garret. Sticking my head in an oven.

However, it is my fervent hope and desperate wish that none of my kids ever end up becoming a writer. Or marrying one.

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17 comments

  1. I laughed to hard at this post. You’ve captured everything about being a writer perfectly. I do all these things at least once in a day. My moods can flip so suddenly and it all because of people I’ve made up in mind! The scary thing is that normal lookin people can turn and become obsessive writers without even the slightest hint of it lurking around!

  2. I stumbled on your page when I was just surfing the net. I never read any of your books, but people say they are ‘good’ whatever good meant by them. So i read your post above, never in my wildest dream thought that writers are like how you explained it.lol I love to write, but my thoughts are so scattered that I can’t even organize them! haha. so that means??. well, I enjoyed your posting, and will read more of your blogs, etc. Thank you for sharing your talent with us.

      1. Hi Lani, i read several blogs already and on your FB page, I think Im hooked! also learned many new words to add to my vocab bank! I love reading your blogs, but I have to learn to say ok, that’s enough, and go cook dinner. lol. 🙂

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