A Marriage Proposal

Dearest Mr Bayala from Burkina Faso who needs my help to access his 4.5m dollars inheritance and who has received a spiritual confirmation that I Lani, am the chosen one who can help him,
        Your story has moved me to tears. I feel very strongly of your beautiful inner spirit, your caring generous nature in your desire to help your village and save lives. I feel that we are destined to meet.
      You say that if you have a foreign trustee or partner, then the bank will allow you to access your inheritance left you by your father, the former King of your country. I have a wonderful idea! I have been searching many years for a man like YOU to walk by my side as a companion in this troubled world. Your letter came as an answer to my prayers. Let us be married and  then I can help access your fathers funds. We can do so much good in the world together.
        My island of Samoa has been afflicted with a plague of gigantic mutant snails which have a craving for human flesh and there are many children who have lost their parents. I have long wanted to open an orphanage school for these children. Not only that, but I need money to buy special R.U.STUPID tanks armed with KOKONUT5 missiles that can be used to destroy these armies of mutant snails which have my island subdued with terror.  Together you and I can bring hope and joy to many children.
        Please send me one million dollars to start work on the orphanage and to begin the offensive against the snail army. Once you do that, I will be free to travel there to Burkina Faso and we can be married and live happily ever after just like Shrek and Fiona. (minus the donkey)
        With love and deep gratitude, forever yours, Lani.
(A writer who procrastinates writing her next book by composing stupid letters to stupid people who think stupid email scams are REALLY going to work.)
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10 comments

  1. Oh that’s so funny! What is up with these people that they think anyone with half a brain would buy into their stupidity!!! Pathetic, really..

  2. Hehe!! Ive always wanted to say something back to them, but I’m always afraid responding would give them access to my contacts or something equally hacker-ish. Still, this would be what I’d say back if I could, plus a lot of cursing and telling them to stop thinking I’m an idiot.

    1. I hear ya Sherre. This is what happens when youre supposed to be working on writing six speeches for upcoming events and youre procrastinating…so you read junk email and write up rubbish answers!

  3. My Dearest Lani,

    Thank you so much for your (late) reply. I am sorry my story had brought tears to your eyes. I had envisioned otherwise. I regret to advise that I have recently received a recepient from the island of Samoa by a person who claims can disperse the funds in a fairly manner. This includes designing and clothing all the homeless children which parents I assume are lost to these wonderful slimy creatures, the gigantic mutant snails. I must admit these are a delicacy in our country. I can only imagine what they would look like with colorful wavering, and glittery clothes before being thrown into the flaming hot furnace of BBQ like open fire of which we use. (smells different, tastes the same). I’m sure the funds will be used to build an orphanage.
    Once again I apologize for not being the answer to your prayers. May I suggest you keep searching and praying for the right man.
    My kindest regards
    Mr Babala
    Burkina Faso
    PS. Please send our love to Simone

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