Why Parents Should Spy on their Children

Me and James would make the perfect team. I sit like this in my house all the time. Watching, waiting with my gun. So I can shoot twisted, dark forces that are out to drag my children into dark pits of despair.

I spy on my children. I do it shamelessly. It’s true and I’m not going to hide it. I am the MOTHER agent of all CIA, FBI, MI6 and all the other kinds of abbreviated intelligence operations you can think of. “Bond, James Bond” and me would totally rock together. (Especially if he’s the Daniel Craig version.)

I firmly believe this world is a very twisted and dark place. There are pitfalls and Satanic traps lying in wait for my children in every dark corner of the school hall, every text, every innocent internet site, every smile from a member of the opposite sex…There is danger EVERYWHERE. Muggers, rapists, stalkers, druggies,child abductors, porn filth, sex videos on YouTube, teenage girls, teenage boys, playground bullies, even music with siren sexy lyrics. The list is endless. Which means, that I have to be vigilant. On guard. Pyscho ninja-assassin-censor-bodyguard-bouncer mother. That’s me. Because let’s face it. Kids can be really dumb. I used to be a kid, so I know. Kids are easily manipulated, coerced and led astray. They can be too trusting of their cool friends. Too smartass to listen to their parents. Too quick to jump when they should run in the opposite direction. Yes, kids can be really dumb. Even if they’re frightfully intelligent and responsible ones like mine. That’s why I have to spy on them.

I stalk them on Facebook, Bebo and hotmail. I hack into ‘secret’ accounts. I check their cellphones for phone sex messages. I scan computer history for porn sites. One of my son’s BEBO friends had a topless photo of herself as a profile pic. I told him – “Either you unfriend that girl and block her from your page, or else I’m calling her mother. Banning you from the internet.Carrying out a drive by shooting.” The photo was swiftly removed and the girl shamefacedly apologized. (Side note for parents, please if your daughter is online can you check if she has all her clothes on? Thanks.)

But I don’t just let it rest there. I know ALL of my kids friends. I have personally ‘interviewed’ each one of them – by inviting them over to my house and plying them with homebaked goods. I know their parents. I talk to their teachers. I don’t believe in locking my kids up ( get real, I live for the moments when i can offload them somewhere) But my children dont go ANYWHERE unless I go there too. And check it out first. They don’t sleep over at anyone’s house. They don’t ‘hang out’ in malls. They don’t go on teenage roadtrips. I know when all their school assignments are due and what they are/arent doing to complete them. I am the elite of all secret agents and it is my mission to know where these children are at all times and make sure they have everything they need to stay safe.

Some people say I’m too nosey. They say I’m trampling on my kids freedoms. “Your children need their privacy!” Rubbish. They can have all the privacy they want when they’re 21 and move out of my house. In the meantime, I believe parents need to be involved in their children’s lives. Be supportive, be encouraging – yes. But be James Bond too.

Why am I like this? Because these five children are my life. They are my sacred responsibility. Even when I’m sick to death of them. They are the most precious and divine blessings I will ever have. And I will do everything I can to protect them. Guide them. And prepare them for when they have to walk in this wild, tortured world by themselves.

(So JB and Sade, if you’re reading this? I love you. And I will never stop stalking you. So there.)