depression

Sometimes, Samoa Sucks.

It took fourteen days for it to happen. For me to cry/freakout/meltdown/puke and rage – and ask, myself…the universe…the three legged dog on the side of the road…the uncaring blazing sun…the hot-as-hell little car with horribly useless air conditioning:

WHY THE HELL DID I MOVE BACK HERE???!!! WHY DID I LEAVE MY NICE CAVE IN NZ FOR THIS HOT HORRID CRAZY-EXPENSIVE PLACE?

I knew it would happen at some point. The crash was always coming. I’ve always hated the weather in Samoa (i’m not a beach person and to be perfectly honest, I loathe the outdoors.) I knew it would be hard to adjust. And i was prepped to be uncomfortable and whiney and irritable at times.

But yesterday it all hit me at once. Our shipping container has arrived and we’re unloading all our junk. I had only “helped” move stuff out of it for a very little while but the suffocating heat inside a steel box was too much for me. Heatstroke aint no picnic. I was dizzy, nauseaous, and angry at myself for being so useless and weak.
On the drive home, bumping over dusty potholes, I looked at this place I willingly chose to return to, with its centipedes and assorted other minor annoyances – and I was utterly decrepitly unhappy at the realization that this is my home again. WTH were you thinking?! Why did you want to move back here you idiot! 

And then i cried. And was sick.

And even after drinking lots of ice water and sitting under a fan- i was miserable, surrounded by boxes and assorted junk that needed sorting. Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, we are very blessed to be able to move back home to Samoa and Im grateful. Most of the time.

But yesterday I wasnt. Yesterday was a depressing, awful day and i was hot and tired and sick. And I wished we hadnt moved here. Yesterday, for me, Samoa sucked.

Today’s going to be better though. Right?

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